I have spent the last two hours of my night playing the comparison game.
Yes, instead of folding the laundry that needs to be done or finishing the math assignment that should be turned in, I sit, scrolling through Instagram pointing out everything I am not.
And slowly the scrolling stops and the tears stream down my face.
God, why am I not good enough?
This question haunts me almost daily, but even more so in this moment.
Because, the enemy tells me “your pictures are not worthy enough”.
“Your words mean nothing.”
And “your time has to be elsewhere, so why are you even trying?”
He writes the word FAILURE across my screen.
Suddenly, I am overwhelmed with the fear of not making it. The fear of not being good enough. The fear that I am not worthy enough to take on what God places in my heart. & this is hard for me to admit. Because I am the girl that puts her hair up in a messy bun and just goes with it.
I am the girl that just goes wherever life is telling me to go, and does whatever the Lord is prompting me to do, but that “doer” in me comes to a complete halt when I let that fear creep in.
So in this moment of scrolling, I can’t be that girl. I can’t be the “do-er”. I can’t just pull up my hair and move forward. Because, as I scroll, criticizing myself and my “work”, I can’t even work on the “work”! I can’t even do what God is calling me to do because of that fear that is instilled within me from the enemy.
So I give in.
I keep scrolling, because that “do-er” I was, was also TRUSTING, but fear turned that into doubt.
And all of the sudden all that I had ever done, ever written, was thought of as “worthless” in my mind. I wasn’t going to make it anywhere. The enemy continues to shout at me.
“She already did that.”
“The looks better than yours.”
“You are probably going to need this if you ever want to move forward.”
More tears fall from my eyes and hit my phone screen. I am not going to make it.
Giving in to the enemy, I throw my phone across the couch, and walk away completely devastated. I lift my hands up in the air expecting to shout out, but all that I can release are more tears.
Silent surrender.
“You’re right, Madi.”
I felt Him whisper into my heart.
Okay, God, right about what?
“You are not going to make it. Not like this.”
It was then that I felt Jesus press the words from Proverbs 31:25 into my heart.
“Madi, be clothed with my strength and dignity. Laugh without fear of the future. Trust me enough to know that I have a plan that is unlike who you are comparing yourself to. Be led by my Spirit, not the enemy’s spirit of fear.”
Galatians 5:16- 26 reads…
“So I say, let the Holy Spirit guide your lives. Then you won’t be doing what your sinful nature craves. The sinful nature wants to do evil, which is just the opposite of what the Spirit wants. And the Spirit gives us desires that are the opposite of what the sinful nature desires. These two forces are constantly fighting each other, so you are not free to carry out your good intentions. But when you are directed by the Spirit, you are not under obligation to the law of Moses. When you follow the desires of your sinful nature, the results are very clear: sexual immorality, impurity, lustful pleasures, idolatry, sorcery, hostility, quarreling, jealousy, outbursts of anger, selfish ambition, dissension, division, envy, drunkenness, wild parties, and other sins like these. Let me tell you again, as I have before, that anyone living that sort of life will not inherit the Kingdom of God. But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. There is no law against these things! Those who belong to Christ Jesus have nailed the passions and desires of their sinful nature to his cross and crucified them there. Since we are living by the Spirit, let us follow the Spirit’s leading in every part of our lives. Let us not become conceited, or provoke one another, or be jealous of one another.”
This passage spoke into me, immediately.
In that moment of scrolling, I was not being led by the Spirit, but by the enemy and sin.
I was giving into the enemy, allowing myself to desire what God does not want my heart to desire: being something I am not. Giving into jealousy, selfishness and comparison.
How can I be clothed with His strength and Spirit led if I am giving into the enemy and my own desires? How can I be fruitful if my heart is distancing from God? I need to nail the spirit of fear, and my own desires to the cross to be crucified! I need to put the comparison game to rest and let God lead me down the path He has for me, confidently. I need to “laugh” at what the enemy is trying to stir up in my life.
Laugh at my mistakes.
Laugh at the wrong turns.
Laugh and enjoy the journey “without fear of the future”.
God knows what my tomorrow’s hold. Instagram doesn’t determine whether or not I will make it or whether or not I am good enough, God determines this. He holds my future! I must not be anxious or afraid of what is to come because I must TRUST Him! I must be patient and understand that I am WHERE I am for a reason. I am WHO I am for a reason. I can’t let someone else’s Instagram posts tell me I can’t be me, because Jesus is telling me otherwise!
So if you are like me, and play the game of comparison with yourself and the enemy, rebuke Him in Jesus name!
Shut it down. Close it out. Walk away, then turn that focus onto God.
Let God strengthen you!
Laugh without fear of what is to come.
You are not supposed to be like someone else.
You are meant to be you, and you are meant to be you for a reason!
Trust that God has a reason.
Trust that God holds your future in His hands, and walk forward, past the comparison, confidently with Christ!
Put your hair up in that messy bun, and be a “do-er” for His kingdom & don’t let that spirit of fear stop you!
Be clothed in that confidence over that comparison.
MKG
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