The last few weeks have been a whirlwind to say the least.
I mean, after all I did have a baby, which is a huge adjustment in itself.
Then, on top of submerging myself into all things motherhood, we had to evacuate and leave our home behind because of an unpredictable storm.
There was no transition time.
There was no just be time.
And like the unpredictable storm, I’m seeing that not only is life this way, but motherhood and all that comes with it is too.
My first official mommy breakdown happened last night.
And I’m not talking a few tears, I’m talking sobbing through this uncertainty and worry that overcame myself as I listened to my sweet little girl cry and cry through gas pain.
There was no relief... for her or for me.
I sat there holding her as she cried and my tears hit her chest.
I kept looking down and apologizing for this pain she was enduring and my husband was sitting next to me looking helpless asking me “why are you even crying?”
I tried to explain what it was like to have these inner mom emotions that were so easily triggered when your child was in distress, but I wasn’t in the right mindset and of course couldn’t make him truly understand. And all he wanted to do was to get me to stop crying, but I saw it as him not understanding me. He was speaking truth to me and I was too stubborn to listen. He was just trying to be the calm one the the midst of the chaos. I got frustrated. He got frustrated. And Emmy was still crying.
I began to pray over Emmy and pray the pain away. I began to ask God to calm me so I could calm her. I asked God to make sense of this all... even though, in the back of my head, I knew these storms were unpredictable and came with a lot of unknowns. And I knew this would not be the only down pour we endured.
Motherhood.. a beautifully hard journey. It’s an emotional rollercoaster where you re trying to figure out what this little person needs on top of everything else.
Like I said, I was thrown into this hurricane (literally and figuratively) where everything happened so fast with no adjustment period.
I hadn’t adjusted to my adjusting hormones.
I hadn’t adjusted to how my body has changed after birth.
I hadn’t adjusted to a routine with Emmy.
And, Logan and I haven’t really had the chance to adjust as husband and wife to this new season, either.
I continued to pray and continued to comfort Emmy. I got so lost in my conversation with Jesus that I almost didn’t notice that she had stopped crying (Okay I really noticed because how could you not hear sudden silence). I seriously laughed out of relief and thanked God for bringing a calm to the storm.
I forgot to mention that Logan had left the room to go get ready for bed and probably to get space from my mom craziness. But at the sound of silence he returned asking if she was asleep and if she (and I) found relief. We did. We both found that relief we needed. She relieved her gas and I was relieved she was out of pain. Thank you Jesus.
I didn’t think the storm was quite over yet, though, because I still had to lay her down to sleep, but I thought as long as we found a short moment of peace we had gotten somewhere.
I laid her down and must have passed out myself because I JUST woke up.
Y’all she slept through the night.
And that is where I’m at now, wide awake, feeding Emmy & writing these words because I realized something.
I realized that Jesus hears our cries. Jesus shows up in our storms. Jesus takes control.
He clearly took my mom wheel last night because I expected to have a fussy baby all night long. In fact I was certain this was going to be never ending. I was jumping to conclusions (this was why Logan was getting so frustrated with me because I was diagnosing the problem when I had no proof of what was really causing it. Google does not help. Ever.) and looking at the negative side of everything. Again... searching the internet for answers is not the answer. Jesus is the answer. And He gave me exactly what I needed when I needed it.
I’m recognizing that with God there are ways through those unpredictable storms. There is another side to the struggle. There is an end. And there is an effective way to communicate during these storms too.
The Lord was using my husband’s calm to calm our storm and I was too stubborn to recognize it. Instead of trusting him and taking what he was saying into consideration, I snapped and chose Google’s words instead.
Teamwork, that’s important too.
God clearly showed up in such a desperate time not only to teach me something but help me through, too.
He taught me (well reinstated) that Logan is right 99% of the time, especially in stressful situations. And that I shouldn’t brush that off. Marriage y’all- his strengths are crucial in my moments of weakness.
He also reminded me of His consistent presence in my life.
The Bible says He goes with us through troubled waters.
It reminds us that He walks before us.
It tells us to not be afraid, for He is with us.
Over the last three weeks, the Lord has gone before me and calmed the rising waters around me. He has provided through and through for me and my family. He has brought a stillness in the midst of chaos.
There are moments where I forget how much I need to depend on Him and not other resources. I need to keep my focus up instead of on the chaos. I need to trust His word and capabilities instead of doubting it.
I don’t know what your struggling with. I don’t know what storm you’re caught up in, but I do know a God who can provide you with a calm. I know a God who is with you and who wants to comfort you. I know a God who is capable of turning around a difficult situation... all you have to do is CHOOSE to trust Him.
Choose to allow Him in. Choose to let Him work. Choose to let Him teach you, too.
He’s gonna get you through it.
Because of God’s goodness, comfort and truth, I can officially say I survived my first mom storm. I know there will be plenty more, but I feel confident moving forward because I’ve got a God that can bring a calm to any storm ... and an awesome husband who is the calm when I cannot be.
Your storm, my friend... will pass. There is way, there is an end. Hold on to this today.
MKG
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