It’s 3:45 in the morning and sweet Emmy is wide awake. She’s been awake since 2. I can’t help but smile, though, because curiosity fills her eyes as she looks around her room. She’s fighting sleep hard and I’m fighting hard not to fall asleep. But her sweet facials keep me awake and with each one I can’t help but just look up and say “Thank you, Lord”. Thank you that she’s here. Thank you that she’s healthy. Thank you that she’s mine.
I remember all of the anticipation I had leading up to her being here. I remember thinking... “is this even real?”. I remember feeling inadequate and unsure. I remember feeling uncertain about what exactly God was doing in my life... but as I sit here, holding her, watching her... I see exactly what He was doing.
Through her, God is reminding me where true fulfillment comes from. This moment, right here with her - sleepless and exhausted - is true fulfillment. Fulfillment doesn’t come from fulfilling these crazy expectations I have of myself. Fulfillment doesn’t come from trying to keep up an image or trying to keep up this perfect version of myself, no. True fulfillment comes from Jesus, and this little angel is a gift from Him- my fulfillment. She is God-given & I cant help but be in awe of that.
I’m learning that fullness is going to come from resting here in this season. This season of being a new mom to a new life who is just learning to live in this world. And being present here is where fulfillment will be. It meets me half way.
I tried for so long to force this idea of fulfillment. I planned a future. I took action in moments where I knew He was calling me to rest. I realize I cannot force an outcome. I cannot force a future. I can only wait and see where the Lord is taking me.
I think physically having Emmy here puts this in perspective for me. My thoughts have shifted, my mindset is more faith focused rather than driven by expectations. All of the sudden those outrageous expectations have become lost in this joy that rests in my arms. All of the sudden my heart is able to let go of everything it so tightly gripped before. My mind is okay with saying “I’ll get there”. There’s nothing to force. There’s just peace. And, there is just this longing to be the best I can be for her and my family.
My heart can finally “be still & know”. Be still and know that my God is a big God who makes big plans for me. Plans I couldn’t even fathom several months ago, but now are plans I can’t imagine my life without. Be still and know that His word trumps all. There are no expectations held over me that truly define me or dictate my actions. I act for the Lord and I am defined by His grace. My heart can be still and rest in this current season. My heart can allow love to flow through. My heart can be still and know that everything is going to be okay and be worked out for GOOD- even the sleepless nights. My heart can be still and know that it is blessed beyond all measure. He is GOOD & in between her fussy noises and the stillness tonight, my heart KNOWS this.
It’s 4:31 now, and now she’s fast asleep and my heart is wide awake, dancing in the joys of the season and dancing in victory that she finally fell asleep. Maybe, now I can too.
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